What is a real friend?

Good morning, and happy Friday!

Fridays have gone through significant changes for me since becoming a mother. I used to anticipate Fridays, but now it simply means I have to spend the next 72 hours finding activities for my kids, attending birthday parties all day, allowing them to stay up later at night, but still wake up at the same time in the morning regardless (6:00 am). Essentially, I let go of all structure and routine, which triggers severe anxiety. However, I do get my nights out, which typically end by 9:30 because I always keep my wake-up call time in mind. Nevertheless, I still cherish weekends and, of course, my kids!!!!

After writing my Substack yesterday, I started to contemplate people and friendships during times of negative press. (I hope a lot of you out there reading this can’t relate to negative press). But anyway, I don’t know why my mind fixated on that specifically, but it did. The influx of inquiries reminded me of the inquiries during that dark time, when it was one wave after another. It made me think back on the impact it had on our personal life. Despite what many people may think, it never interfered or affected my marriage or anything within my family dynamic. If anything, it made us even stronger (sounds cheesy) but it did. I have fallen in love with my husband all over again these past few years. I’ve never felt so grateful for the partner I have chosen to spend my life with. A lot of people have tried to come in between that (no, I don’t mean affairs or cheating) but just people/things in general. It’s interesting, though, because when I was at the “peak”—pre-COVID (time out for a second so I can ramble on that…When I say peak, what does that even mean, right? Peak as in the press was praising me and my business nonstop, everyone wanted to work with me, everyone wanted to be part of my growing brand, be all over my Instagram — but when the press is at its lowest and I still feel mentally high in my personal life, does that mean I’m high or low? Does it actually revolve around what the media says? My high has never shifted with the things that truly matter to me. But that’s not what the outside world perceives when they read the only things written about me or gossiped about me. So what is the truth? If the media portrays it one way but it’s actually the other—what is it to you? And does it even matter? That’s where my mind spirals. Because the answer I think is yes, it does matter. It matters when it comes to business and relationships with people.

Ok back to my point - I'm sorry for the long, run-on sentences, but my point was, when I was “at my peak,” I was toying with the idea of a reality show. I declined because I know what reality TV does to families, marriages, and children. I ultimately decided I don’t ever want a life like that. Not saying the media treated me like a reality TV star, but I think I got a taste of it, and it only strengthened my marriage. Just a thought I had. I still don’t think I would have done it.

But this spiral also leads me to what I actually wanted to talk about: friends. When I was publicly at my “peak”, I had friends I loved and still love, but it was interesting to observe people, the art of being used and just friendships in general during the downturn. When COVID hit and the press made me famous outside of my 1.3 million followers, to a world I didn’t know and that didn’t know me, I saw many people in my life begin to retreat—disappear slowly. They were still my “friends,” but there was a shift. (I am very perceptive. One quality about me that I truly appreciate is how perceptive I am; I feel things instantly. Usually, my gut is right). This made me question what a friend truly is. I was never one for having many friends; I have two sisters who set high standards, and if a friend came along, I preferred to have one or two close ones. I’m not one for groups, never was. But I expected my friends to offer the same kind of friendship that I received from my sisters. I was mistaken. I began to learn that you can have many different friends who bring different things to the table. You can’t expect every friend to reciprocate the way you want them to, and that’s okay. But it also taught me about disappointment, being used, relying on people, and trusting people. During this time and this isn’t just during Covid, I’m talking the last four years of my life, I completely withdrew. I cut so many “friends” out over the last several years because of trust issues. I will say I feel more at peace because of it, because I’ve followed my gut. My mother in law always tells me to stop getting so deep about it and just see people for who they are! You don’t have to be best friends with everyone you hang out with! But I just feel differently. I hate sitting at a dinner with someone that I don’t trust, I can’t be myself around, I have to watch what I say. I just don’t find that enjoyable? It’s super unsettling to me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am an open book and my close friends know that. And I think I should be allowed to protect that… also, I will spend the rest of the night in bed going over every word I said and every piece of information I shared.

But now, these past couple of months, I am coming out of my shell a bit more publicly. I am sharing another perspective, slowly. I can never control what people choose to say or write about me, but at least I’m offering a perspective from the most reliable source. Hi, it’s me! I do feel that talking more on my instagram and sharing thoughts on a substack opens a window into my own personal peak that never changed for me and I’m not going to lie, I feel people reappearing again. But during the “publicly low” time, I’ve made solid friendships that genuinely don’t care about where I am publicly. High or low, they like me. Those people have made my life feel richer. My point in all of this is, it was never anyone else’s fault but my own really. I don’t blame my readers who read and believe, I don’t blame my friends who retreated or were only my friend for specific reasons. I blame myself for expecting everyone to be what I expected them to be. At the end of the day, no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are or as much as you’re thinking about you. We all do what’s best for us and our family, and I can respect that. I do count my lucky stars every day, though, for the handful that I know will always show up, care about my expectations, and ride the waves alongside me no matter how uncool it may be. If you can find one or two friends like that, you’ve hit the jackpot.

How have your friends responded to your highs/lows?