What do I do?

This past weekend something happened that made me wonder. I am a pretty confident and secure person regardless of the bumps in the road, my security with who I am has remained intact. Maybe even has grown stronger and more clearer. But this weekend, I felt confused for the first time in a while.

On Saturday night, I decided to head downtown to spend the evening with my sister and my niece, Mae. She had just gotten home from the hospital two days prior and we wanted to watch a movie and order in Mr. Chow. (Side note, is there anything better than a rom com and at home Mr. Chow?) I wanted to treat her with a special meal after her 3 day stay in the hospital and oh yeah, birthing a child.

Later in the night, it was time for me to head back uptown and my sister was like, “if you’re going uptown, maybe I’ll go with you so I can stop in my fitting at the Carlyle.”(She’s crazy by the way, she refused to not work for even ONE day). One of her clients was there to fit for the Met Gala. For anyone that is new here, my sister is a stylist and a pretty talented one. This has been her passion and her job since I can even remember. Even when she wasn’t famous or well known, she never gave up and never questioned who she was or what she wanted to do. Watching her journey and her career reach this point has probably been one of the most rewarding feelings (for me personally) to date.

Anyway, we got into an uber and headed uptown. As we were on our way up, my sister was like, “do you want to come into the fitting with me?” I was like “WHAT! Stop it…”She said “no seriously… I honestly shouldn't be walking around or taking car rides like this, let alone working, it would be nice to have the support there.” I was so excited, I haven’t been on a fitting with her since a magazine shoot 10 years ago with Mary Kate and Ashley. I acted as her assistant. I’ve had the honor of working with her on a few different opportunities and every time, I’m just in awe watching her in her element.

Anyway, we walked up to the Carlyle hotel entrance which was lined up with paparazzi. We went through the revolving door and went up to the room. There was a team of maybe 15 people in there. Everyone was SO warm and kind. I was nervous that maybe they wouldn’t be but I couldn’t get over the warmth in the room. Hugs instead of handshakes, smiles instead of looking up and down, it was really so special. I went and took a seat and just sat there as I watched my sister run the room. “Can you remove this”, “can you take in this”, “can you add this” but the conversation between her and the team was so fun and collaborative. Danielle is so witty and there is no one better to banter with, I love watching how she is able to carry a conversation and socialize with such ease. It’s never been my speciality, ha. She would always talk for me growing up and handle all situations for me, until I met my husband, who she handed the job over to. They love to speak on my behalf and take care of me and there is nothing I love more than having that person to keep me from being uncomfortable and showcasing my incredible awkwardness. I keep rambling off topic, sorry.

Watching her on saturday night was honestly a moment in time where I was like wow, my sister and her job - it’s so freaking cool, she’s so freaking cool. But also, the talent in here is out of control. From every aspect. The manager, the designers, the PR, the hair and makeup team. In some moments while the tailor is tailoring and the designers/my sister are staring at the gown with thoughts running through their head, it was pure silence. The silence made me SO nervous. If my stomach rumbled, if my phone rang - I was just waiting for something coming from my direction to mess up the vibe. All of a sudden, one of the guys in the room turned to me and said “so what do you do?”

My heart sank. What do I do? No one there knew who I was (which obviously was ideal with all the press and media that has surrounded my career and my family) but it also was not ideal because I had to respond with an answer I didn’t have. I muttered under my breath and with the LEAST confidence possible, I replied… “I’m a fashion influencer?..”

There is nothing wrong with being a fashion influencer, I just want to say that first and foremost. It’s awesome and it’s a privilege. But for me personally, I always hoped that by 15 years into this I’d be able to offer something more and bring something more to the table. Especially after launching my own brand. When people would ask me then, I’d reply “I’m a Creative Director/Marketer of a brand I built called Something Navy, we’re sold in numerous retail locations, we have a several stores and are expanding! We have an incredible team of 50, Something Navy is one of the first of it’s kind! Influencer started lifestyle brand! You should check it out!” Going from that to fashion influencer with no asset to show for the dedication and time I’ve put into this career felt rough. What do I do now? I don’t know. But I do know, I don’t want to give up yet. I want to be able to say in a room full of talent that I also can bring something to the table besides flaunting a designer bag or shoe on Instagram. I came home and got into bed and thought to myself, it’s time to start rebuilding.

I’m not a writer guys - I’m just writing out thoughts randomly. Please ignore my grammatical errors and ramblings.